homecoming

couldn't see the star on the mountain the night i arrived. the weather sent the plane dipping and jerking, and people gasping around me. but i smiled sheepishly as i touched up my make-up, opting to skip the mascara for fear of putting my eye out. so nice not to be afraid of flying anymore. so nice to be home.

driving home in the car, though, i turned my face to the window to hide my tears. every street corner, every view a memory...one right after the other battering my heart. then the cd changes tracks, and my wedding song comes on..."night and day, you are the one"...how i wish he would remember. i turn off the radio.

later in my old room, treasure chest of girlhood memories, i lie awake listening to the poplars tinkling in the breeze that blows through the open window. i say my prayers, and i move to sleep in the middle of the bed so it won't seem so big, so empty. i pray for him, for success for hope for forgiveness for compassion for healing. i pray for us.

my grampa's memorial was a wonderful experience. flipping through all our photos, seeing family from my childhood, and standing up and speaking from the heart...it was all a blur, but so healing. and i smiled as much as i cried. i'm not afraid of death the way that i was before, the way i've been all my life. grampa's memorial only confirmed it for me. i hope he understands what has happened to him, that he is able to move on wherever he is, and be happy.

gramma is sad and relieved, but grieving very privately. i want to be home again to help her, to just sit with her while she lets it all out--her pain, her sorrow, her anger--and then smiles again. i know she will get through this. i know it will take time.

we once talked about gramma living with us someday. he brought it up, not i, and i thought how loving a gesture that was, how compassionate of him to be willing to open his home for her. he's a good man. i wish he would remember and believe it.

i am back in austin, a strange home away from home where i tend my flowers and feed the dogs and try not to remember my dreams in the morning. the rain is coming down steadily and more of it on the way, washing everything clean, i hope, even me.