Looking back on the dance...

I was telling my best friend last night how I still truly believe that he could walk back in the door at any moment...how I do believe we could move past this and count this time apart as a great trial, but that divorce is not what was meant for us.

He left one year ago today. The pace of work had led me to overlook the timeline briefly, but he brought it back to my mind this morning.

Something compelled him in the last several days to reach out with a couple of brief email notes, the last one near midnight. He seems to want to commiserate on this as some sort of shared anniversary, a milestone if you will, and I'm not certain why. Perhaps it's just the nature of my still healing self right now, but I read his words and chafe again at his casual remarks..."hard to believe it's been a year...tomorrow will be a year, I remember where we were and how tomorrow would inevitably play out." I replied that inevitable is not the word I would have chosen, and I left it at that.

I'm not sorry I've believed...I'm not sorry I've been straddling past, present, and future with this faith...and I don't feel that believing, even as I do now, is wrong. Truly anything is possible, and what is a little misplaced faith in the long run. I still have my moments of anger, but they are almost always expressions of pride bucking against humility, followed by tears when I release the tension and just accept the grace that lets me say that I forgive him and I love him even as I disagree with his decisions.

I've lived as fully in this moment as I can, and I owed it to myself to do it, but soon it will be time to count the moment passed...and to live fully in the next.