Soggy Tuesday

While it's been coming down all day, it suddenly seems rainy inside and out. I need to rant, so heads up.

As I've stated before, I strongly dislike that I am in the position of being the one to move this divorce along. While my husband is otherwise occupied with running for office (a move I have already expressed my opinion on) and continues to blame the attorney he capriciously picked out of the phone book for not responding, I get an email today wondering what the delay is on my end.

But here's the rub, if I don't move it along, it may linger on endlessly. If I do move it along, I get to throw up in my mouth a little bit every day at being complicit to this unwanted end.

As I've been writing this out though, I'm wondering whether this is really the best approach to take. Maybe I should just take a deep breath and stick with the attitude that I'm doing what's best for me--financially, if nothing else--by finishing this and taking ownership of it.

This is my divorce. This is my divorce. This is my divorce.

This is something I want.

No. No it's not. Those words stick in my throat just writing them out.

I don't want it, but I have it. I've done everything I can to push it away, to put it off, to hope for more time, time that might change his mind and his heart. It's still here.

He's just not who I thought he was...whatever else may have happened between us...no matter how I hurt him and he hurt me...he didn't love me enough...he didn't love me enough to forgive me those hurts...he didn't love me enough to see past them.

I'm going to want this. I'm going to force myself to want this. I'm going to force myself not to want him.

I'm going to give up.

I'm going to give up.

I'm going to give up.