2 posts tagged “anger”

I was telling my best friend last night how I still truly believe that he could walk back in the door at any moment...how I do believe we could move past this and count this time apart as a great trial, but that divorce is not what was meant for us.

He left one year ago today. The pace of work had led me to overlook the timeline briefly, but he brought it back to my mind this morning.

Something compelled him in the last several days to reach out with a couple of brief email notes, the last one near midnight. He seems to want to commiserate on this as some sort of shared anniversary, a milestone if you will, and I'm not certain why. Perhaps it's just the nature of my still healing self right now, but I read his words and chafe again at his casual remarks..."hard to believe it's been a year...tomorrow will be a year, I remember where we were and how tomorrow would inevitably play out." I replied that inevitable is not the word I would have chosen, and I left it at that.

I'm not sorry I've believed...I'm not sorry I've been straddling past, present, and future with this faith...and I don't feel that believing, even as I do now, is wrong. Truly anything is possible, and what is a little misplaced faith in the long run. I still have my moments of anger, but they are almost always expressions of pride bucking against humility, followed by tears when I release the tension and just accept the grace that lets me say that I forgive him and I love him even as I disagree with his decisions.

I've lived as fully in this moment as I can, and I owed it to myself to do it, but soon it will be time to count the moment passed...and to live fully in the next.

While it's been coming down all day, it suddenly seems rainy inside and out. I need to rant, so heads up.

As I've stated before, I strongly dislike that I am in the position of being the one to move this divorce along. While my husband is otherwise occupied with running for office (a move I have already expressed my opinion on) and continues to blame the attorney he capriciously picked out of the phone book for not responding, I get an email today wondering what the delay is on my end.

But here's the rub, if I don't move it along, it may linger on endlessly. If I do move it along, I get to throw up in my mouth a little bit every day at being complicit to this unwanted end.

As I've been writing this out though, I'm wondering whether this is really the best approach to take. Maybe I should just take a deep breath and stick with the attitude that I'm doing what's best for me--financially, if nothing else--by finishing this and taking ownership of it.

This is my divorce. This is my divorce. This is my divorce.

This is something I want.

No. No it's not. Those words stick in my throat just writing them out.

I don't want it, but I have it. I've done everything I can to push it away, to put it off, to hope for more time, time that might change his mind and his heart. It's still here.

He's just not who I thought he was...whatever else may have happened between us...no matter how I hurt him and he hurt me...he didn't love me enough...he didn't love me enough to forgive me those hurts...he didn't love me enough to see past them.

I'm going to want this. I'm going to force myself to want this. I'm going to force myself not to want him.

I'm going to give up.

I'm going to give up.

I'm going to give up.