2 posts tagged “moving on”

I confess...I watched the playoff round of the U.S. Open today off and on from about the 9th hole. Yes, I was at the office today, and yes, it's not exactly kosher that I did it, but it's not like I was only watching the simulcast. I was also working, multitasking just as I would from home, and really it didn't hurt anyone or anything, not even my productivity. Still...I think I shall refrain in future.

But, man, what a story! Tiger's great, but really it was the whole package--the super underdog against the injured titan, going head to head, trading the lead...just think of the tale that Mediate gets to tell. "I once finished second in the U.S. Open, and I lost by one stroke to Tiger Woods." As with NBA ball, I don't follow golf religioiusly or even, really, much at all though I do like the playing of golf--I'm still learning, I still suck. I grew up with my dad and grampa watching it all the time, and even though I mostly hated the world because they wouldn't let me change the channel, it certainly did build an appreciation for the sport in me. More than watching, they played too. My grandfather was one of the founding members of a local golf club. He played every other day and in tourneys all his life until he started getting ill. My dad still plays-and even had the opportunity to play Torrey Pines this year. (He said it was beautiful, and painfully hard.)

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A lesson in things that don't work out, but kind of work out in the end...

After work I bolted to try to get to my bike clinic on time, but alas it wasn't to be. First, I forgot my water bottle this morning. While that sucked, it just meant I wouldn't be able to get a quick drink on the go. I bought a G2 at lunch and figured oh well. Then, when I went to change my clothes right before I left the office, I discovered that my socks were nowhere to be found. I thought, eh, what the hell, I'll ride without them. But just 2 minutes walking to my car in the sweltering heat made me realize that I would be in for blisters if I did that. So I made great time home, ran inside, grabbed my socks from the floor where they'd apparently fallen out of my bag this morning, and ran back outside to get my bike out of the car and take off. (I'd decided I would just ride towards the start point and catch up with the group there, having made up what I missed in biking from my house instead of driving to the start point and trailing behind them.)

Well, it's a good thing I went home first because as soon as I had my bike out, I realized that the front brake was messed up again. That same damned spring was popping over the little metal piece (I don't know the technical term) that keeps the tension for the brake. This is the same issue that I've dealt with before, but this time was worse and I had to get out my pliers and an allen wrench to take the brake apart, reshape the spring, and tighten the hell out of the screw that holds the brake in place. While I managed to fix the brake it made me thirty minutes late to my ride!

I knew the group would have passed where I could have met up with them, so I just headed out to 5 mile dam park expecting to see them already on their return leg. Well, I never saw them...until I was making my turnaround at the park. They were doing timed sprints of the loop at that runs by the park. Bummer of bummers, I missed my chance to be timed, but I did really bust my butt to get there and had planned to do so going back--riding all the way to the original start point and then back down to my house to make up the distance. Again, though, it wasn't to be...one of the women on the ride became lightheaded and couldn't ride back. I was the closest to a car, so I rode back to the house to get the car to go back to the dam to pick up the rider. I was bummed because I knew there wouldn't be enough light left for me to finish the rest of the ride.

When I zipped around the corner to my house I saw that the gentleman who was coming to give me a landscaping estimate was 30 minutes early! If I hadn't made it to the house when I did, I would have missed him. I asked him to wait while I went to pick up the downed rider, and so off I went again back to the dam. But about a third of the way there, tada, here comes the entire rest of the group of riders include the overheated one. They were taking the ride very slowly and she said she was fine to finish it out, so then back I went to the house to meet with the landscaper--his name is Mario. I liked both him and his price and so he will be coming by on Thursday to do take care of the yard for the first time. [Yup, I've bitten the bullet and hired someone to help with the lawncare. Neither time nor my allergies were in favor of me trying to keep it up on my own this summer, and I finally decided to throw in the towel. Besides, I have painting to do!] He's also going to give me an estimate for re-doing my brick patio in the back--it's sunken toward the house over the last year and now water is collecting in a pool near the foundation when the weather is stormy.

My neighbor came out of her house right as Mario was leaving and we got to chatting. She came inside to see my paint swatches--the living room still doesn't seem gold or mustard-ish enough to me--and to offer me some advice on a couple of other renovations. As we walked back outside I excitedly mentioned that the eggs in the bird nest above my door had hatched today--I heard them chirping earlier and they sounded so cute, etc. when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. It was already dark out so I thought it was a small frog, but sadly it was a baby bird. It had fallen out of the nest and was chirping and wiggling on my welcome mat.

And so began Operation Save Baby Bird. I thought it was dead a number of times, and certainly it was in shock. I used one of the paint chip cards to pick it up--carefully scooting it onto the card with another one--and used a stool to try to put it up into the nest. Unfortunately, the mama and daddy bird flew out and past me as I was standing there and I...dropped the baby. I felt horrible! It was still alive though, so I went in and grabbed my ladder to give me a better vantage point. In the end I had to put on a glove and pick up the little guy to get it to climb into the nest. The good news is that it did hoist itself onto the nest with its little clawed feet. The bad news is that the nest was so crowded with baby birds I am now wondering if I didn't completely screw with natural selection by putting it back up there. What if they had pushed it out? What if it was the weak link and their entire family was at risk if he stayed? I feel bad about the whole thing, but hey, I did the best I could, was careful not to contaminate it with my touch, and hopefully they made room for him after all...and he made it. Keep your fingers crossed. If I walk out to work tomorrow morning to find a shower of carcasses, I may well have a weeping breakdown. Anthropomorphizing the world's creatures really can be a problem. "Hello. My name is Vanessa. And I'm an animal-rescue-oholic." Seems one is never completely safe from a relapse. At least I didn't try to adopt it.

Now it's late and I'm tired and glad to be so. It's been a day of small adventures. I still have so much to do though! Oh well, they will keep for another time...because I have a new romance novel to read. That's right--trashy romance novel reading Vanessa is back. Trust me, she's a lot of fun. In and out of bed. (Hee. Sorry. Had to try out a little sexual innuendo just to see what it feels like again. Kinda' nice...)

And on that note, I am meeting with a reputable local jeweler tomorrow who will be taking a look at my engagement ring and wedding bands to make me a purchase offer. I am selling my rings. It feels strange, but not bad. I paid for at least half of them, monetarily, and I paid for them in other ways too, so I feel mostly grateful to have the opportunity to sell them. I plan to put whatever money I can get for them--provided the price is right--into a CD. (I promised my Grandma that's what I would do with some of the money she gave me, but my debt and car repairs ate up more than I had anticipated.) I'm still planning to find a part-time job to take care of the student loans, so I don't have to touch this money. I want the ring money to be the start of something new for me, not just some maudlin cliche of a romantic end.

On a final note, we are at t-minus 26 days until I head to Dallas to see George. I'm thinking of making a weekend of it--I wonder if the skating rink in the Galleria is open in summer--but either way I'm extremely excited. If that's not the start of something good, I don't know what is.

I was telling my best friend last night how I still truly believe that he could walk back in the door at any moment...how I do believe we could move past this and count this time apart as a great trial, but that divorce is not what was meant for us.

He left one year ago today. The pace of work had led me to overlook the timeline briefly, but he brought it back to my mind this morning.

Something compelled him in the last several days to reach out with a couple of brief email notes, the last one near midnight. He seems to want to commiserate on this as some sort of shared anniversary, a milestone if you will, and I'm not certain why. Perhaps it's just the nature of my still healing self right now, but I read his words and chafe again at his casual remarks..."hard to believe it's been a year...tomorrow will be a year, I remember where we were and how tomorrow would inevitably play out." I replied that inevitable is not the word I would have chosen, and I left it at that.

I'm not sorry I've believed...I'm not sorry I've been straddling past, present, and future with this faith...and I don't feel that believing, even as I do now, is wrong. Truly anything is possible, and what is a little misplaced faith in the long run. I still have my moments of anger, but they are almost always expressions of pride bucking against humility, followed by tears when I release the tension and just accept the grace that lets me say that I forgive him and I love him even as I disagree with his decisions.

I've lived as fully in this moment as I can, and I owed it to myself to do it, but soon it will be time to count the moment passed...and to live fully in the next.