4 posts tagged “rant”
One
Up late prepping for my weekend partially away from home and glad to have something to occupy my mind. My body rebelled tonight and reminded me just how much it sucks to be a girl and since I'm fairly certain I've maxed out on the amount of ibuprofen one should take in 24 hours, I'm just grinning and bearing it. Grrr...
Two
It seems my little sister and I have officially had a falling out. I keep reminding myself--and saying out loud to a certain someone who's indulged me with an amazing amount of patient listening--that she is eight years younger and I can't expect her to see things the way I do. That said, I still wish she'd call. And that said, I'm also okay with however long it takes to rebuild things between us and, also, with the possibility that we won't ever regain the closeness we had. I don't like it. It's certainly not my preference. But I'll live, and so will she.
Three
Actually, there isn't a third. Well, I think there was when I started this. Perhaps it had something to do with the pets or needing to clean, but really I don't have anything else to vent about. When you really think about, I have nothing to vent about. My life is excellent right now. I'm under a roof instead of out in the rain. I'm madly in love and making plans. And I have a weekend of fun and music to look forward to, despite said rain, with the little brother and a couple of friends. So, tra la la, number three is really just a sleepy thank you to the universe with the implied request to keep all my loved ones safe on their journeys today and over the next several days.
Dear Vox:
I think you might be purposely going with advertisers who make it almost impossible for me to post or view from the office, just so that I am somewhat relieved when you start charging for service. Come on, I guessed right, right? Tell me you didn't actually accept this ad out of a simple need for revenue. Nothing this ridiculous could be completely devoid of strategy. It's just too much. When's the other shoe going to drop? Soon I hope.
A queer tingling spreads across my face, like a blush, but with the pricking of delicate pins and needles. Physical pain I'm glad for...I think it must distract me from the sensation of the world dropping away under my feet.
I think it's going to be time for a change soon. I've an overwhelming flood of flight or fight coursing in my veins. I don't come here often. I try not to...it's not a helpful place. Though perhaps today it is...
I feel myself becoming complacent. Choosing not to write because it's just...too hard. Even the veil that fiction provides isn't enough to set me apart from it. It is much easier to go about my routine claiming I'm just too busy, when really I'm just busying myself at tasks that won't go anywhere.
Inside me there is still a little kernel of hatred that I can't seem to purge. It's surrounded by a layer of indignation. I only notice they still exist when the shock of a previously unknown betrayal slams into my chest. I wish someone would lay all the secrets out before me so I could be done with them at once.
Yes, I'm venting again about economic turmoil in my life. Today was payday, which means I'm able to fend off the creditors for another 2 weeks. Ok, it's not that bad--there are creditors, just no collectors--but it's not much better.
Here's the thing about living paycheck to paycheck...any minor upset can undo weeks or months of planning, scrimping, etc. and put you even further into the hole. As long as you're trying to dig yourself out, you're likely to be dumping dirt right back on top of your head.
I took my oldest dog, Evita, to the vet today after putting it off for two weeks and keeping her medicated with samples from the vet. (Thank you, Dr. Blagg--even though I'm sure I've put your kids through college--for those; she'd have been on her own without them.) I knew she was going in for x-rays. I checked ahead of time on what the worst-case scenario for the bill would be, $85-$115, and that's why I held off in the first place. But I budgeted the damn $115 from today's paycheck --opting to make a smaller than desired payment toward my credit card--and took her in to see if anything could be done. ('Anything' being anything other than surgery, which is not in the cards.)
On the lucky side, it's not nerve damage in her spinal column--which is what they thought it would be--or either of her knees. It's still pretty bad though. Hip dysplasia in both hips, the right side worse than the left. Treatment is surgery, either hip replacement (around $2500-3000 per hip) or salvage (cut the bone-in-socket in half, sew the muscle and tissue up together to form a tighter psuedo-socket, and costing about $800 per hip), and rehab fo 6-8 weeks. Or, as I've decided to do, pain management. Potentially, as long as I keep her active and insist that she walk with me, even short walks, she could do well on daily pain meds and nutritional supplements for a couple of years. Maybe long enough to be able to afford surgery or at least rehab that will make a significant difference. That's a ways off though, so medication it is. She walked out groggy and was almost loopy and limp when I hoisted her into the car, then ran back inside to pay.
"That'll be $349." &%*$@#!
Turns out the vet tech--not my normal in-the-know tech--told me the cost for just a single x-ray and not what the whole visit would be, which is what I asked for. So with multiple x-ray views, sedation, etc. plus about $65 for new pain meds (no more samples it seems), and declining to buy the supplement from them after all, brought the bill to $281. (I knew $115 sounded too good to be true, but I was so relieved at the time, that I didn't ask for a breakdown. Stupid.)
And so here I am. Deeper in the hole than before. I wish I could give her surgery, but I can't dig in that deep, even for her I'm afraid. But I'm buying her supplements online--going on the credit card today--and will keep her as comfy as possible for as long as possible. So it goes.
Let's extrapolate this little personal situation out a bit, shall we? What would happen if this was, oh, a child instead of a dog, where managing the pain in lieu of surgery would be considered irresponsible and, frankly, unthinkable? Or whether it was a child or myself, what if instead of something painful, it was something deadly, something that could not just be 'managed' with a lower cost alternative? Insurance or government programs or family step in to save the day, right? Wrong. And don't we all know it.
And that's why living on the edge in the middle class is so damn dangerous. It doesn't take much to start the long fall...when $100 a month makes a difference in house/no house, food/no food, phone/no phone, imagine what being laid off or becoming seriously ill does to a family. Imagine a critical expense that costs more than what you make in half a year. Imagine half of what you make in a year suddenly disappearing. It's the same difference. It breaks you.
I know I'm lucky. I have a job. I have my health. I'm caring for a dog (er, a zoo), not a child. I still have alternatives...things I could sell or do without. And most of all, I have time...time to try to earn more and pay it all back and hang onto the middle class by the skin of my teeth for years if need be. But it wouldn't take much...
And the deeper the hole--not necessarily in terms of debt, but in terms of the level of socio-economic classification you are relegated to--the harder, the longer, and the less likely you are to dig out.
I'm not that far down, I know, but I still really wish I had a bigger shovel.
