cageyness

Snoozing in the sun, and running down the night

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 23:11:07 -0700

The wonderful thing I have already discoverd about starting and ending my workday earlier is how much daylight it gives me on my own time.

Tonight I made it home by 10 of 6. With the dogs and cats fed, and the laundry started, I walked out to the backyard with one of the pups--Evita, who's really an old girl. She plopped down on the grass and I plopped down in the shade on the patio, on a little low-to-the-ground lounger I bought a few weeks ago. And in the late heat of the day, still in my work dress, and a steady breeze tossing my hair around...I fell asleep. It was wonderful--probably the most decadent thing I've done in a very long time. I woke up to Evita barking at folks biking behind the house and the goats nearby braying their agreement. They made for a surprisingly pleasant alarm clock.

After a little cleaning up I put on my workout gear and headed to Plum Creek for hills tonight. Plum Creek is one of those Stepford wives subdivisions with homes that look like they were designed by a Disney Imagineer. [And yes, that's a little bit of envy you hear in my voice, because the place does look all glossy and new after all this time. However, the reason behind that is a very strict HOA...and I'll be durned if I ever let a group of fascists tell me what color I can and cannot paint my house. ;-) ] The hills weren't ggantic climbs, but any little incline goes a long way, especially over distance, especially on 5 loops around when you had to sprint to catch up with the group at the very beginning because you were late getting to the starting point. Ugh. I have to say, it was a hell of a workout. I felt like puking about half way through. Just the heaves though. That's some good hill running. Yup yup.

Late now, and enjoying an offline conversation, so goodnight all.

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Carpoolin'

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 06:38:57 -0700

Today was day 1 of my neighborhood carpool. Fearing awkward social contact or, rather, trying to guard against any interaction in general, I went to the trouble of downloading a book on iTunes last night. Sadly, I discovered that iPods can and do freeze just like every other computer-like advice known to man. I didn't get it to start working until this morning, but that was too late for me to transfer the book over to the iPod. [Did you know that iPods have ATI Radeon cards in them? I had no idea. Go AMD!] So I jumped in the car sans armor.

First off, let me just say that I am thrilled not to be doing the driving. I have an old car that I love, but mileage was not much of a concern back in 1993, even for Japanese automakers. The pool driver is a neighbor who maintains the hell out of her Mercedes and who works literally 2 minutes from me, so the commute works out great. But she has a set work day--8 to 5--and so she determined our departure time as 6:55 in the a.m.

Son of a...

But I did it. Sure, I only got a few hours of sleep, but I did it. I had to do my makeup in the car. But I did it.

Moving on...even with sleep I'm hardly what one might call a morning person. Still, I was on my best behavior and tried very hard to hide my chagrin when the other passenger said, "We make pretty good time, plus it's nice that the conversation helps it go by faster." Ugh. (Any real world friends I have are no doubt laughing their collective ass off right now.) I felt like saying, "Hmmmm...conversation...with virtual strangers...about the weather and lord knows what other banal drivel. That's exactly how I want to spend the first 35-45 minutes of my day! How'd you know?" But I was very nice and cordial and talked and talked the whole time--hopefully, they'll be glad to have me shut my yap when the iPod is back in full effect tomorrow.

I was rather confused at one point during the drive--our drive that started at five till seven, remember?--when the driver pulled into a shopping center parking lot. Did we need gas? Logical conclusion, right? Nope. She headed for the McDonald's drive-through. Now, I may not be a morning person--as aforementioned--but leaving at the ass-crack (forgive the vulgarity) of dawn so we can make a Mickey D's stop is not an acceptable prioritization for me.

But I got a free coffee out of it. And now I kinda' want to puke. I don't like coffee much at all and definitely not first thing in the morning.

All in all though, the carpool will cut my travel costs by 75% (Score!) and get me to the office with possibly enough time to workout and shower first thing in the morning or participate in a lunch-hour class of some sort. (I hardly ever take a full hour to eat.) So that is an excellent reward for my time on the road with the ladies.

Still...I was at my desk, booting up my machine at 7:50 this morning with the other vanpool/carpool geeks. I feel like such a grown-up. It kinda' sucks. And I need a nap.

I wish my carpool was more like this.

Carpoolers - Come On, Eileen

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Up, up and away...

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:32:22 -0700

in my beautiful, my beautiful...BAAAAALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Oh, A.M. Gold, how I love thee.

Anyway, that ridiculous line from an equally ridiculous song is meant to lead into my generally cheery post about life in general.

Sure, my savings are dwindling, I still don't have an extra part-time job, and those student loans are going into reduced less-than-interest payments again, but, eh, life is super good.

Remember that informal crappy review I received at work? Opinions are now, thankfully, totally reversed. It appears I've nailed project after project since then. I say 'appears' because while said projects were rolling along just as nicely before, now that they've finally come to completion people can actually see the progress. The reviews are in from many parties beyond and including the peers who were 'concerned' about my performance, and tada, I'm a hit!

Why the sudden reversal of fortune? Well, partly because I have been playing CYA much more consistently--I'm documenting EVERYTHING in writing--and I've made it a point to be early to just about everything possible, but perhaps most importantly, I've become super vocal in meetings and in various projects pow-wows so that no one can wonder what I'm doing with my time. I think I was playing nice, playing fly on the wall too much, and just trying not to piss anyone off, but now, I'm just being me. I'm aggressive and assertive and I expect a lot from myself and others, AND I hate bullshit. So, really, I think the biggest change I've implemented in my work life is that when I see bullshit, I call it, instead of just holding my tongue and trying not to piss anyone off. And I'm also calling my own fouls so no one else has the chance to point the finger.

I know it probably seems oh-so-typically-middle-class-American to put the status of my work environment first in a list of things that are good about life, but really, it's a big deal. I like being good at what I do--and whether I'm a cog in the wheel or not, I happen to enjoy this job. It's the first job I've held where the company powers-that-be have not insisted on handing my soul, my social life, and my relationships over to their whims and their 'cause'. This is the first job I've held where my 'superiors' don't think it's perfectly acceptable to scream, cry, or cuss at me, to call me an asshole and to play psychological warfare when I fall short of--impossible--expectations. [And no, I'm not whining, I really mean impossible expectations--that's what non-profits do, don't you know?]

And while I was uncomfortable with the fact that my peers didn't come to me with their issues, but instead went directly to my supervisor, I find it amazing that they have made an even bigger effort to applaud my performance, give me kudos where I deserve them, and report my successes to others. My little bad-review bump in the road hasn't affected our working relationship at all, and despite the fact that I've become noticeably more assertive and aggressive in meetings, I don't feel any sort of strange competitive backlash. It's as if, dare I say it, I work with--mostly--professional people. Bizarre, I tell you, utterly bizarre.

[Oh, and a side note about that middle class statement--I have to say that I aspire to the middle-class. Yes, I'm educated. Yes, I hold a job that doesn't require manual labor. I own my house, or rather it owns me. Etc. BUT all of that is at and has always been at a price that I can barely afford. While the credit card debt is gone--thank God--the student loans and the price of gas ($70 to fill up my tank? Are you f'ing serious?!) are eating my f'ing lunch.]

Away from the work life, I now turn your attention to my writing. No, not this stream of consciousness of a blog I keep, but rather more formal work. I joined a newly formed writing group of St. Edward's University alumni and our first non-fiction/fiction meeting was tonight. Having previously volunteered to be first up in presenting something original, I stayed up till 3 last night cleaning up a fiction vignette I wrote a few years back. It was something I always liked, but that I just hadn't been able to touch or do anything with until now--too prophetic given the turn of events over the last couple of years. I received some excellent feedback on how to round it out--it really helped me to conceptualize how it could fit in with the other pieces of the collection idea I've been toying with for months. As always, the negative, er, constructive criticism is as important as the 'bravas!'--but it's nice to get them anyway. I don't care who you are, a little petting of the ego, a little confirmation that the words you loved and crafted so carefully are also admired by others, well, it really does wonders towards softening the negative reviews.

Finally, on the tri front, I ran the hill workout with the tri group tonight and did, in retrospect, reasonably well. Actually, I hung in there great for my first time back, but while I was actually running I felt like a real weakling. I shouldn't have, but I am so damn competitive that if I'm not always in the lead of the pack, it just burns a hole in my psyche. Luckily I distracted myself by repeatedly assessing whether I was about to have an asthma attack. Exercise-induced asthma is bullshit! I'm convinced I can just find a way to push my endurance past the point of wheezing, but really, it's very annoying to know I shouldn't be out of breath, but I just can't seem to suck enough oxygen into my lungs. I realize this sounds like a rant, but really, I am loving the training experience. Every day I see parts of my body shaping themselves and my strength increases, I sleep soundly, and I weather my dreams in stride.

There's something spiritual about all these experiences converging right now...somewhere in the juxtaposition of challenges, failures, and successes, heartache and healing, I'm finding a sense of peace I've never felt before. It's not magical or mystical or all consuming or anything over zealous (not that I've ever felt that crap either)...it's just so...light. It's like lying on the warm concrete after a swim in a cold pool...like the wind and the smell of the ocean while riding a bike on the Strand. Like feeling those memories in all my quiet moments...I can't describe it any better than that. I guess despite my love of words, in this case, words fail me.

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No time to say hello, goodbye!, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late...

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:35:30 -0700

I've been catching up on the neighborhood tonight and I see that I'm not the only one who's been up to my knees in it. In a mostly good way.

Last week I reported that I'd received a negative, albeit informal, performance review from some members of my team. They went so far as to contact my immediate supervisor with their concerns. I was disappointed, but also motivated to improve where I could and to incorporate a more comprehensive CYA routine than I'd previously followed. Thankfully, my supervisor forwarded me later feedback from the same team members who said they felt I'd greatly improved and very quickly too, and were impressed with my 'turnaround'. I'm being more vocal and more aggressive, frankly, in meetings and that seems to be helping to make my presence and contributions felt. More on this surprisingly positive experience another time.

On the tri-athletic front, I'm pleased to say that my first bike clinic on Monday evening went spectacularly well. It was the exact same ride as the one that was so torturous last Wednesday and then again on Saturday. While I'd like to say I made some miraculous turnaround and became a superwoman, in fact I owe my performance to a properly working bike. Here's how it went down.

I cleaned out the garage on Sunday afternoon/evening--putting some items out on the curb with a 'free' sign that were picked up not 20 minutes later(!)--and organized everything up and off the floor so that I could then scrub it down with soap and water and a big sweeper broom. (The garage is now one of my favorite rooms in the house and I've been puttering around in there a little each evening. But I digress...) As I was prepping to put up an old bike rack for my new bike, I explained to my sis' boyfriend just how hard the rides had been and how I was really having a hard time 'getting used to' riding the new bike. Well, he picked it up to move it out of the way a few minutes later and immediately said, "Hey, your wheels aren't spinning..."

Turns out that the guys at the bike shop--either through their own installation or simply by overlooking the problem during the tune-up--had left the brakes at an angle so that they were riding along the tires even when the brakes weren't engaged. I was basically riding with the brakes on for a total 20 miles over 3 days. I hadn't even thought to inspect the bike beyond the new chain, new tires, new grips that they installed. Dumb. So we fixed the brakes, with me adjusting the springs again before my awesome ride on Monday night, and I am a happy camper. I have also learned some great lessons on bike maintenance and am now pretty comfortable messing around with my equipment. The Monday night ride was challenging, but manageable--enjoyable even--and I was able to hold my own.

Onto the swim...my last one-on-one session, for now, was yesterday. Other than my SPF 45 sunscreen still not being enough to keep me from tanning, it was a fun, productive, and rewarding session. I've got freestyle and breaststroke down, and I'm working on backstroke, so it's time to join the swim clinic with other levels of differing swim skills. The first session is tomorrow night, but I'm going to have to miss because I will be winging my way home to the great EP!

I really have more to say about that, but I'm too tired to keep my eyes open right now so I'll have to pick up where I've left off later. 'Night.

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back to the grindstone

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 28 May 2008 00:15:08 -0700

Oh, three-day weekend, you come so seldom and yet go so quickly...

I had a great weekend--slashing many items off the to-do list (cat boxes, clean house, grocery shopping, lawn work, bathe ALL dogs) while playing much Guitar Hero and Rock Band (I beat the first on EASY, and am now midway through MEDIUM), trying out my new-to-me bike, actually swimming a few laps at the pool, and watching the first two Indiana Jones movies. And, of course, there was good food--for the most part--had by all. It was good times.

I worked all day today and it was very productive. Unfortunately, I found out that a couple of the folks I work with are dissatisfied with my performance. They did bring up a couple of things that I can definitely improve on--things we actually synced up on last week--but a few other 'items' were strange misunderstandings or oddly nitpicky. I feel confident in being able to CYA my way back off their shitlist, but it's still rather disconcerting and a bit embarrassing. My supervisor, though, was very supportive of me and helped me to weed through what she also disagreed with while stressing the importance of, in my words, playing the game of process. So that was work.

After I went to the gym and worked out, trying out my new running shoes for a quick mile warm-up, then lifting. I alternate upper and lower body on each visit, but always do abs, and I'm seeing a real improvement on my max. I had dinner at Magnolia with my sister, then we went back to her boyfriend's house to play Rock Band. Fun times.

Also tonight, I tried my hand at a friend's longboard (skateboard not surfboard). My first try went well. The second was short and spasmodic, but the last one...ah, priceless. I did the old weight on the wrong foot, step on the board, send board shooting forward, then pitch back in a sonic windmill to land flat on my back, on the street no less, staring up at the stars. I laughed my ass off--not sure how I managed, but I barely have a scrape on my elbow and a bit of an odd twisting of a couple of my toes; other than that, the fall resulted in zero injuries. I got back on the damned thing and tried again, but decided I was too tired to concentrate.

It's 2 hours later and I need to be in bed, but of course I had a ton to do when I got home and am just now winding down, feeling the pressure of heavy lids. So it's off to bed I go, so I can approach the grindstone tomorrow refreshed and alert, and ready to pummel the remaining bits of earth into the dust.

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back to the grindstone

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 28 May 2008 00:15:07 -0700

Oh, three-day weekend, you come so seldom and yet go so quickly...

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It's quarter to three...there's no one in the place...

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:07:47 -0700

I'm up with a sore throat. Ugh. I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick, I am not getting sick!

My throat is kinda' killing me.

When I swallow I feel it up into my stuffy ears. I don't know what happened...six hours ago I was fine, then all of a sudden a small tickle in my throat, a little congestion, and whammo...please just let it be a cold and not the flu again.

Oh well, nothing to do about it now. So now to recap...

Despite a breakdown on its lone rainy day, this has been an extremely productive and positive week for me.

Work wise I've crossed a number of tasks off my list and I feel like I'm hitting my stride with a few of my business sponsors and with this beast of a product database that is involved in most of my projects, thank goodness.

On the home front, I've been purging the house of old papers and assorted junk, recycling what I can, and finally have ditched all the old clothes that are, thankfully, now several sizes too big for me. They're in bags in the car waiting to be taken to Goodwill tomorrow on the way to San Antonio. I also sent all my Easter cards out on time and planned ahead to have a little basket to give to my grandma when I see her tomorrow.

In cleaning up and organizing I've also started to turn my eye toward decorating too. I replaced the garnet colored candles on the living room mantle with saffron-colored tapers, and I'm on the lookout for just the right shade of bright, filmy gold curtains for the windows. I'm tackling one room at a time in an attempt to both simplify and beautify the 'feel' of each.

Lastly, in a calm and reflective manner I sorted through and organized the photos and mementos that have been haunting my home since I stuffed them away almost a year ago. Not everything went into boxes, though--there are a number of things I've chosen to keep as part of my decor, mostly gifts of one sort or another...like the little crystal turtles he gave me on our wedding day and first anniversary, and the carved quartz cat we bought in Monterrey. The most important thing that went into boxes were the few special dresses I saved over the years---what I wore the night he proposed, the night of our wedding shower at his parents' house, and his favorite dress--the one I wore so many times on special occassions and on our honeymoon too. No tears at all, just the occassional distant flash of anger and lots of head shaking. I still, after all this time, cannot quite believe it.

There's another dress I kept...a dress I've never worn and have been keeping at the back of my closet. I bought it in October at a little boutique in Nashville. It's a summery, blousy ivory number, short but not too short, with little flower appliques and cutouts at the neck, nape, and hemline. It's lovely and simple and I bought it because I loved it and because I wanted to do something tangible to express my faith. You see, as soon as I saw it I knew it should be a wedding dress, the dress I would wear when we renewed our vows, when we found our way back together. I don't know if I'll ever wear that dress, but I'm not throwing it out. It's too lovely. Perhaps I'll save it for some other special day. I'm not sorry I bought it. I'm glad I believed so strongly that I felt in my heart I would have the opportunity to wear it.

It's much later now and exhaustion is finally winning out over the sore throat. I'm off to bed. G'night.

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Blah-bitty, blah blah and yoga in the mornings

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:36:49 -0700

A day of working from home is almost over. I quieted my hunger (a little) with a yummy bowl of oatmeal. The weather is springy today and should be summery tomorrow--breezy, warm, and perfect for going out on the town. I should be very cheery, but I'm feeling a bit blue...or maybe just tired...but the feeling drove me to sit down and scribble a bit of a journal out and so here I am.

I had planned to try to finish this other project for my consulting gig in the next few hours so I could try to get into Austin by about 9, but right now I'd rather put my pjs on and just relax for a bit before starting to work again, only that will put me behind on finishing the project. What to do, what to do...

PJs are totally winning out. I'd have to be home early anyway. Plus, I did want to try running again tonight, but...ugh, I'm so tired. Of course, tomorrow I'm taking a half day from work to watch a co-worker's band and then intend to stay downtown anyway, and there's no way in hell I'm going to work a run in then, so I suppose it all works out. PJs now, work, run tonight, sleep.

I would also like to get a pizza from Papa Murphy's and eat the entire thing tonight, but I think that is a bad idea from a nutritional perspective. In this lead up to the Cap 10k, and other events I still haven't decided on, I'm trying especially hard to eat really well. I wouldn't call it a diet, but I am definitely wearing a nutritionist hat lately and eyeing everything through a pie chart of fats, carbs, and proteins. The other issue is that I am trying to stay hydrated, so I'm drinking water like it's my job and hitting the ladies room with corresponding frequency.

My apologies for the inane details. I actually do have topics of substance to write about, but I'm just not up to the task right now. Maybe I'll tackle those things on Monday in a sort of weekend-in-review post.

One new development I'm not too tired to mention...I have started doing yoga in the morning first thing when I wake up. It may sound a little strange, but I like to do it in my master bathroom (which I keep very clean and is of a decent size) where the window faces east and the light increases with the sunrise. I don't put my contacts in or wear my glasses, but instead just run through my routine in semi-blindess. This sensory deprivation seems to make it easier for me to focus and to relax at the same time. It's very curious, but it works wonders for me. So far this week, the thought that I can do some yoga if I can get up in time is what has actually moved me out of my bed on time. Yes, I'm actually getting comfortable with yoga and not feeling like I want to cry when I do it. Of course, my morning routine is very simple and the poses are very modified, but I am looking forward to learning more as soon as I can. Thank you again to electric firefly and shush now for their encouragement a while back.

Ok, well that's all for now. SXSW will have to wait for tomorrow. And since I don't want to cook, I think Papa Murphy's is going to get some of my money in just a little while. I'm not actually going to eat the whole thing tonight though--if I did, I'd miss out on my other favorite way to start the day...cold pizza right out of the 'fridge!

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That's what she said.

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:09:37 -0700

First, I pilfered this from dreamsrundeep over at livejournal: vote yes for trees--quick before it's too late!

Grrrr...I've been too swamped with work from my second job (the consulting gig) to get to even a single SXSW event (the free ones). Still, with all the hullabaloo about the Mark Zuckerberg interview being covered via the net, I don't feel like I'm missing much yet. [For the record, I feel sorta bad for the Lacy, but I'm also pretty damn embarrassed. Yes, the audience sounds like they turned mob-jackass-mentality on her, but...I couldn't get through watching the YouTube video--I was cringing from the get-go listening to her banter. (I hate that kind of small-talk in real life anyway.) Ultimately, she did what many have done before her--she lost control of the audience. Any politician, comedian, high-school teacher, etc. knows that you can't just ignore a heckler.]

Back to the grindstone now--working on budgets for a grant proposal and still trying to get some miles in on the treadmill before bed. My mom says I'm burning the candle at both ends. I say, pardon my French...fuck the candle. I'm aiming for a bonfire. April 7 looms large mere weeks away...and still a part of me comes home hoping to see a truck in the driveway. Either I'm insane or I really loved/love that man. Sheesh.

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um, yeah, about those tps reports...

nobody@vox.com(cageyness) — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 19:17:23 -0800

day 2 at new job is over and all is well so far. i'm learning the ropes and feeling out the characters in this little 'office space' universe i am joining. (seriously office space like--it's hilarious to me! more on this later.) unfortunately, i still lack both a notebook and login (there's a backlog in security) so i can only shadow the two women from whom i'll be taking over a number of responsibilities. (one is leaving the company, the other is moving into another position.) this means that nothing is expected of me for the moment except to act like a sponge and suck it all up.

not a bad gig, but i've been a little off since nashville and i've only had a couple of hours sleep the last couple of nights. hence, my embarrasingly glassy-eyed, dazed look when the last meeting came to an end at 5:30. i gladly begged out when my shadow-ee said i could take off. training may not be a very active process, but it is like drinking from a firehose of corporate jargon and systems and culture, oh my!

but so it goes. on the upside, i have been busily making mental notes about the environment, the people, etc. for writing references, and i have a number of observations i'd like to share.

1) the nerd spectrum is broader and more diverse than i previously realized. i'm somewhere in the middle. for now.

2) social skills appear to be more of an issue for boy nerds than for girl nerds. again, i'm somewhere in the middle.

3) cubicles, er, 'cubes' are surprisingly like dorm rooms. a dreary blank slate that people then clutter up with photos and all kinds of kitschy crap to advertise their history, personality, values, etc. i'm aware that cube snooping is considered very poor manners, but i sure am tempted. nerdy or otherwise, even the mundane in people's lives can be fascinating...or appalling...or friggin' hilarious.

4) in a post-lunch powerpoint driven meeting of 30 people, at least half a dozen will shamelessly and helplessly nod off. several others will fight it with all their might, jerking with a start when their chin drops to their chest. one will fake a coughing fit to leave the room and get some tea and peppermint oil to wake the hell up so as not to be fired on her second day. (hey, at least i didn't completely fall asleep.)

5) though i'm sorry to say it (and though some of my new co-workers would likely disagree), the seeming productivity level of the employees i've observed in the last 2 days is well above what i experienced in the non-profit world. from EDs to Presidents to yours truly, i've never seen a day so packed with actual work and so little non-work bs'ing.

i expect to post numerous bits about "innerchode" in future, so stay tuned.

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